cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
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