Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
