That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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