I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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