The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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