He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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