I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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