I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
