Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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