Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
