Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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