I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
