i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
