I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
