the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
