He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I did not marry a roomba.
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