I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
