I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
