Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
