just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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