So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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