my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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