Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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