I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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