I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
