I wannas sexs uuuuu
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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