I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
