I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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