You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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