if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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