actually, I'm a sock model
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
