I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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