So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
