The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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