its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
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Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
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You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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