new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
