just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
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There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
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Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize