Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
