I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
