I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
