well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
