Betty ford says i'm here all night
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
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