Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
