Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
