I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
did i walk over a car last night?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
