Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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