the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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