2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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