Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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