Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
