i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
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