Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
