i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
