I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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