You really coming over, don't trick.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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