I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
