i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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