Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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