my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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