Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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