I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
