Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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