i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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